Two Sinners

I felt religion with you on the floor
The holy word that I’ve been waiting for

We made our way through the dark church to the choir loft. I was hard. She was wet. Her fiancee was in England doing missionary work, oblivious to our coupling. Nervously, she unbuttoned her blouse and undid her long blue skirt. Tall, gangly and awkward, a bit of a nerd, she had confessed to sleeping with her youth minister in college. I reached around her back and unfastened her bra. Through the shadows I saw her slight breasts. I sensed, behind her prim and proper persona, a smoldering desire. I ran my finger through the elastic of her cotton panties. I slowly pulled them down her long, slender legs. A bang of her hair messily draped her forehead, almost a preview of what would happen next. A peculiar expression was set on her face, an admixture of arousal and shame. I clasped her hand and guided her onto the floor. What had started with a few stolen kisses had led to this. She lay back on her clothes. Having been led this far into temptation, we succumbed to our destiny. I wondered what was going through her head. Her conservative family in Nebraska would be stunned if they learned about her fornication. As I moved on top of her, she spread her legs….

The taboo on sexuality which the religious of his own free will carries to extremes, creates in temptation a state of affairs abnormal certainly, but in which the erotic element, rather than undergoing a change, stands out more sharply…. The struggle of the religious springs from his will to maintain a spiritual life, and that life would be mortally imperilled if he fell from grace. The sin of the flesh puts an end to the soul’s soaring towards immediate freedom.
Georges Bataille, Eroticism

It felt so very satisfying to be inside her. As she clasped my back, I could feel her engagement ring on her finger.

What if someone from the church finds out?

Then I experienced an emotion I had never felt during sex: disgust. Disgust at her for not guarding her purity, for leading me into temptation. Disgust at myself for my inability to resist sexual temptation. Here we were, two ministers in the church, behaving as if we were servants of Asmodeus, fornicating in his honor. We had fallen, fallen farther than we had ever thought possible.

At that moment, I realized that we were nothing more than two sinners fucking.

Dance of Dichotomies

Remember those cartoons with the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other vying for supremacy?

That’s me.

“Single ministers in the church are expected to live a chaste life, holy in body and spirit, honoring the single life, and working for the good of all.”

I’ve publicly affirmed this statement before the church. My early theological training conditioned me to support it. My church expects me to abide by it if I serve in ministry.

But there’s another voice whispering in my ear.

Guess which voice is winning?

An escort with a Pentecostal upbringing said this was what she learned about sex growing up: “You’re not allowed to do it.” I essentially learned the same thing (i.e. “True Love Waits®”). I internalized this attitude. Religion was set against forbidden sexuality. My religious values incorporated the warnings and restrictions on sexual behavior I received. Sexual desire, understood to be dirty and impure, was experienced with guilt and shame. Beyond reaffirming traditional prohibitions, the church was silent about sex.

As an adolescent, I struggled with my sexual desires because they didn’t harmonize with my beliefs. I was expected to maintain sexual purity. As sexual exploration beckoned, I strove to live up to the stringent biblical doctrine I was taught. Bodily pleasures were opposed to the fruits of the Spirit. My purity card was a covenant that I was convinced I could not break. Lusting after a woman in my heart, which I believed was a sin, brought guilt. I suppressed my sexuality.

Until I couldn’t any longer.

“The moment I knew sin, I fucked.” And once I fucked, I couldn’t stop fucking.

I tried to stop. I intensified my religious practice, enrolled in divinity school and entered ministry. I strove to be “good” and maintain my religious identity. If anything, my transgressions became more egregious. I began to splinter into two compartmentalized selves: the religious self and the sexual self. A double life had been created. The thrill of sex, especially forbidden sex, was too much to resist.

I’d repent. A session with a call girl or a hookup with a classmate would induce guilt and shame. I’d vow never to do it again, beseeching mercy. I’d remain chaste for a (very) short period of time. Then I’d sin again and reenact the process. Lather, rinse, repeat.

The expectation to remain chaste still presses upon me, while my personal desire to have sex remains undiminished. The conflict caused by the collision of my sexual desires and the demands of my faith eludes any tidy resolution. I’m slowly coming to accept that my life is a dance of dichotomies. (I borrowed the term from a “courtesan” who spent Sunday mornings on her knees at Catholic mass after spending Saturday nights on her knees, well, you know.) I am both saint and sinner. Luther described the Christian as simul justus et peccator. Paradox defines me.

My religious self and my sexual self inhabit mutually exclusive spheres. Sex is divided from the soul. I separate my sexuality from my Christianity, compartmentalizing my experiences in order to live out both.

It’s not easy. The parishioners at my church see me as an ideal student, teacher and minister. The pressure to maintain this facade is enormous. Exposure of my sex life would result in my removal from ministry. I have to lie and cover up a great many things. It’s impossible to live a life of integrity without an integrated personality.

A woman preparing for ordination in the Unitarian Universalist church professes to have integrated her spiritual and sexual selves:

The way we as a culture understand the world separates the sacred–the religious, the pious, the God-fearing– from the profane–the sexual, the dirty, the visceral–and there is no contact between the two. Being both is supposed to be rife with pain and conflict.

There is no conflict between my calling and my coming. My religiosity and my ministry do not preclude me from fully experiencing my sexuality. I love God and I love fucking…. I’m interested in sex as a particular way of knowing; in fucking as both pleasurable experience and a way of deepening my connection to the world….

What I am saying is that there does not need to be any conflict between religion and sex.

Those conflicts are the product of someone else’s imagination and do not have to be your reality. There is no need to close yourself to one for the sake of the other.

You can love God and fucking.

There is an effort to construct a “sex positive” ethics that affirms sexuality and defines ethical behavior within a paradigm of consent. I’ve studied some progressive Christian perspectives on sexuality. Marvin Ellison, critiquing the Christian tradition dating to Augustine as “sex negative” and rules-based, maintains that a sex positive approach is essential when addressing sex in contemporary society. I’m not so sure this is viable. Anthony Grey comes closer to the truth when he writes, “I do not see how the traditional Christian theology of sex can be significantly changed without tearing up its Biblical and historical roots – and, if this happened, it would almost certainly wither away entirely….” Besides, even a liberal Christian sexual ethics couldn’t sanction all behaviors. I’m caught in a matrix of sin. Unlike this lusty Unitarian lady, religion and sex cannot seamlessly coexist for me. The imprint of the culture in which I was reared is too deeply ingrained in me. Perhaps my sexual adventurism is a sublimated rebellion against a conservative morality that I nevertheless cannot disavow.

Soccer Mom

“Sex should be fun!” she said as she slid the vibrating cock ring on my turgid member. Then we proceeded to have some fun.

“Linda” is a self-described “soccer mom” in her 40’s. She operates out of a modest apartment about an hour north of here. When I first contacted her early this afternoon, she couldn’t talk right away. She said she was helping her daughter buy a car. When she later got back to me, she said she could host late in the afternoon at her incall. I decided to make the trip.

Wearing a tight black dress, she welcomed me to her place. She looked Italian with long dark red hair. She handed me a glass of water, and we sat down on the couch in the cozy living room. Asking me to recommend any books I was reading, I suggested Michael Lewis’ latest work. She volunteered that she enjoyed her work because it enabled her to have sex without having to date. Then she invited me to retire to the bedroom.

Bedroom was something of a misnomer because there was no bed frame in it, only a bare mattress. She peeled her dress off, pulled down her panties and told me to make myself comfortable and join her on the mattress. She had an inviting smile. After some foreplay, she brought out the cock ring. As my cock buzzed, she moved on top of me and energetically fucked me. Soccer moms need to get laid, too.

After it was over, Linda dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. She was intrigued by my studies. “Next time I want to pick your brain,” she said, explaining that she was fascinated by spiritual energy. (I knew a little about the subject from Rhonda’s esoteric beliefs.) As I prepared to depart, she let me know that her daughter had recently become a provider, too. She slipped me her daughter’s number.

Defiling the Marriage Bed

The English word “adultery” comes from the Latin adulterare, “to corrupt,” meaning, “debauch; debase.” That which is pure is made impure.

I had defiled her marriage bed.

My only regret is a lack of regret.

She had proved herself an adulteress. She had promised to remain faithful, to honor her sacred vow. But forbidden fruit is delectable.

“Contrary to all public verdicts on adultery, the lack of any wish whatsoever to stray is irrational and against nature, a heedless disregard for the fleshly reality of our bodies, a denial of the power wielded over our more rational selves by such erotic triggers as high-heeled shoes.”
Alain de Botton, How to Think More about Sex

I was on Ashley Madison before it was hacked. I didn’t have much luck on it. It turns out most married women want to cheat with married men, as did the single women on the site.

I did meet “Suzie” online (Her nom de sex was “Suzie Sux_a_Lot.”) She was an elementary school nurse just shy of 40, overweight with an unremarkable face. Her husband was a pilot who was frequently away. When she contacted me, she assumed I was married and asked, “Have you strayed?” She grew up in the church but no longer considered herself religious. She confessed to fooling around with the dads of her daughter’s sports teammates. “Mostly titjobs and blowjobs,” she said. A friend helped facilitate her transgressions. She suggested possible signs of flirtation from a married woman at church. Then we got together.

One time I pulled up to the back of her school in the early winter twilight. She was waiting in her SUV. When she saw me, she got out and opened the back of her truck. Then she shimmied out of her slacks. I felt a chill as I hurriedly unzipped and pulled down my pants. We crawled into the back of her SUV. She had spread a blanket down over the seats folded flat. She shut the door, lay down. and spread her legs. I got on top of her. Soon the truck began to rock.

We hooked up a several more times at her friend’s house. (I regret we didn’t have sex in her own bed.) She revealed to me that she had been promiscuous since she was a teenager. She said she used sex as a way to receive validation from men. Her neediness turned me off, and I quickly cut off our “affair.”

The guilt of transgression is smothered by the thrill of the naughtiness of it all. One wife said of her first act of unfaithfulness, “It felt surreal, so wrong, evil and infinitely arousing.” The arousal negates any concern over who gets hurt. The risk intensifies the experience. The thrill of adultery overwhelms any moral objections.

I once engaged in an online sex chat with a married woman. (“OMG you’re a pastor?” I explained to her that I was a lay minister. I don’t think it mattered to her.) She confessed to frequent extramarital encounters and was forthright about her motives: “Cheating is fun.” The prohibition against adultery gives it its allure. Personal experience has taught me that religiosity is no impediment for a woman who seeks to stray. I’ve heard several rumors of infidelity among pastors’ wives.

Why would a woman like Lindy — a pastor, a prominent figure in her church, a mother of two small children — risk it all for a furtive encounter in her office? Were her “harmless fling” to be discovered, it could jeopardize her ministry and tear her family apart.

Sometimes women are just bored in their marriages. Emotionally disconnected from their spouses, they feel unappreciated and lonely. They seek attention, being objects of desire. They seek intimacy. They’re sexually dissatisfied. Their husbands’ sexual performance leaves much to be desired. Sex in an affair can feel “dirty,” making it exciting, wild and liberating. They experience a longing for passion and new opportunities. In marriage, according to Zygmunt Bauman in Liquid Love:

There is always a suspicion … that one is living a lie or a mistake; that something crucially important has been overlooked, missed, neglected, left untried, and unexplored; and a vital obligation to one’s own authentic self has not been met or that some chances of unknown happiness completely different from any happiness experienced before have not been taken up in time and are bound to be lost forever…

Adultery is a form of theft. One enjoys the possession of another. “Stolen water is sweet; and bread eaten in secret is pleasant” (Proverbs 9:17). There is a certain pleasure that comes from the knowledge that I’m screwing another man’s wife.

And it’s really hot when she wears her wedding ring while she fucks you.

“Cheating is fun.”