Split

“Indeed, it robs of all conscience those who were previously honorable and upright, and makes traitors of those who have hitherto been loyal and faithful.”

Arthur Schophenhauer on sexual desire

I’ve continued to date Colleen the past several weeks. I enjoy her company, and I admire the depth of her faith. She’s amused by my wit and has complimented me for my dedication to ministry. We recently spent a day together in the country. She invited me to join her on a retreat sponsored by her church. Our interactions have been entirely chaste.

Meanwhile….

I’ve continued to visit escorts. One recent visit included the creative use of whipped cream.

Colleen has no idea, of course. Like others who “know” me, she’d be stunned by my hidden sexual life. She assumes that I’m “saving” myself for marriage. I abandoned that objective long ago. My pretense of purity is hypocritical, and it’s profoundly disrespectful to Colleen to behave this way behind her back. I’ve split off that part of myself that I can’t reconcile with my beliefs. I’m incapable of developing an authentic self in which what I profess aligns with my actions.

Colleen has an attractive personality, but I struggle to think of her as a sexual partner. She’s a very sweet girl, but she’s…how do I put this…let’s just say that she won’t be appearing in a Victoria’s Secret catalogue in the near future. More relevant is the fact that she’s a “good girl” who is serious about maintaining her purity. To put it bluntly, she’s not spreading her legs anytime soon.

As my sexual adventuring has accelerated, I’ve become hesitant about entering into romantic relationships. I recognize the inconsistency of pledging faithfulness (especially in the context of a chaste relationship) while endeavoring to get laid clandestinely. Or perhaps it’s the case that my aversion to intimacy leads me to seek sexual release in encounters that are mostly void of emotion or affection or commitment. My natural reserve is exacerbated by the need to hide my lust-fueled behaviors. The last lady I seriously dated told me as our relationship unraveled, “I still don’t feel that I know you.” She was right, of course. She couldn’t know me, lest she uncover my secrets. This breeds some loneliness. Yet the best salve for loneliness I’ve discovered is sex.

So, despite a certain affection for Colleen, I’ve maintained a certain reserve during our dates.