First there was the blonde at Starbucks. With her short black dress and long blonde hair, she vaguely resembled Margot Robbie. As I ordered a caramel macchiato, it was difficult not to keep my eyes on her.
Then came my meeting with “Emma.” I’ve been tasked with resurrecting the parish’s Justice and Peace committee, and Emma expressed interest in assisting me. That committee is generally the province of blue-haired old ladies, but Emma is in her twenties, bubbly and energetic, and relatively new to the church. She’s also smoking hot: tall, blonde, slim, and tanned. As we sat in the outdoor patio on a pleasant summer afternoon, I was admittedly aroused by her presence. There was the revelation of a bra strap. Some cleavage. Black capri pants that hugged her tight ass. I furtively peeked down her shirt and mentally undressed her. (I envisioned her totally shaved.) I struggled to hide my erection when she departed.
I confess that my lust for Emma poses ethical issues for one in ministry. Projecting my sexual desire upon someone I am bound to shepherd almost certainly clouds my pastoral judgment. Instead of focusing on her soul, I’m fixated on her breasts. Lust is inherently objectifying, transforming, in Buber’s terms, the “I-thou” relation into an “I-it” relation. As testified to by my own experience, lust is a slippery slope that can lead to physical as well as imaginative transgressions. Samson merely “saw” a prostitute and ended up sleeping with her (Jdg 16:1).
Still, despite my nobler intentions, Emma in her capri pants stimulated me. When I returned home, I searched one of her social media accounts, and found some unexpectedly seductive photos of her. I started masturbating to them. While drooling over Emma’s physical endowments and fantasizing about intimately exploring them, the sheer wrongness of what I was doing hung heavily over me. My personal upbringing was so repressive that virtually any sexual expression induces guilt. Such conduct is not becoming of one in a ministerial role. Sexual temptation, however, is irresistible to me. She had no idea how hard she made me. Imagining the ways she’d suck my cock, draining every drop of my cream into her mouth. So naughty. I finally came.
I meet with Emma again next week.
Lutheran Guilt 