Sex and the Secular

Mark Regnarus, a sociology professor at the University of Texas, has penned an op-ed piece in The Washington Post with a blunt thesis: “It’s not science that’s secularizing Americans — it’s sex.” The sexual revolution has engulfed the church. Changing mating patterns (which include fewer and later marriages) have had an impact, all of which are due to the ready availability of sex. “Sex has become cheap — that is, not hard to get — because it’s much less risky and consequential in the era of birth control.” For evangelicals, it has become harder to recruit new members from the unchurched because traditional sexual ethics “are making less and less sense.”

As someone who thinks a lot about religion and sex, and has uneasily accommodated them through dual identities, the article piqued my interest. Millennials have abandoned the church en masse, largely due to the incompatibility between traditional sexual ethics and their own sexual behavior. Forced to choose between the two, they unsurprisingly choose sex. Sex is understood solely in the terminology of medical science and psychology, outside (in Peter Berger’s words) the “sacred canopy.” Religion seemingly has nothing to say to their sexual experience.

As one in ministry in the church, I am bound to publicly uphold my church’s teachings on sexuality, which largely accord with the traditional ethic. My intense erotic desire has made me incapable of living out that ethic. The dissonance between my putative beliefs and my behavior, that “dance of dichotomies,” fuels much of the drama of my life.

Adapting sexual ethics to sexual reality appears, at first glance, to be a remedy. A number of theologians and ethicists have made that their project (culminating in some queer theologians finding spiritual value in anonymous gay sex). Difficulties arise, though. In Protestantism, the Bible has been the primary source of reflection for ethical deliberation. It takes some creative exegesis to explain away certain texts that seem to have clear implications for sexual ethics. The hermeneutical challenge is greater then first imagined. Historical-critical contextualization can only go so far. An integral progressive sexual ethics can be developed without much of a biblical foundation, but it then ceases to be distinctively Christian. It’s also hard to believe that theologically conservative churches will suddenly accede to this effort. (Interestingly, those churches in liberal mainline Protestantism that have accommodated themselves to the sexual zeitgeist are in steeper decline than their more conservative counterparts.) Traditional sexual ethics will remain within Christianity in some form or another.

Perhaps there’s something more fundamental going on. Is the nature of sexual desire so antithetical to normative religious practice that it’s impossible to reconcile one to the other? Most religions have adopted an ascetical approach to some degree when it comes to governing sexual behavior. Sex is seen to be potentially dangerous if not hostile to religious observance. Placing limitations on sex (whether it be monogamy, celibacy, heterosexual exclusivity) is considered vital for religious practice and spiritual development. But sexual desire is not so easily tamed, as evidenced by how frequently those limitations are transgressed. Even the threat of divine wrath cannot deter it. The church fathers condemned sexual passion because of its inherent unruliness. According to Augustine, its insidiousness comes from its irrationality, its inability to be controlled by the will.

It was Freud who famously observed that the libido is the primal energy that animates human life. It cannot be repressed. We are swayed by passion, propelled by a primitive, irrational force. Raw sexual desire arises out of the chthonic depths, evading mastery and mocking our pretensions to civilized conduct. Think of orgasm. During orgasm, one completely surrenders to passion and loses control, possessed by the sexual spasm. Eros’ dark power subverts our ideals, even our spiritual aspirations, drawing us into its vortex.

Eros and agape do not easily coexist. In Agape and Eros, Anders Nygren calls the latter the “most dangerous rival” to Christian faith. Eros promises a form of salvation that doesn’t rely on divine initiative. It seduces the soul, “terrible as an enchanter,” according to Plato. Eros is compared with raging flood waters that sweep away everything in its path. “Eros and Agape belong originally to two entirely separate spiritual worlds,” Nygren concluded. Karl Barth agreed, depicting eros as a ravenous desire at odds with Christian charity.

I’ve managed to maintain my religious identity only by compartmentalizing my life. Others have succumbed to sex, leaving the pews conspicuously empty.

Revolution

“The Sexual Revolution brought the fresh air of honesty into religious communities and laid an axe to the root of the tree of medieval sexual values,” writes Raymond J. Lawrence, Jr. in Sexual Liberation: The Scandal of Christendom. The Sexual Revolution was a revolution in the truest sense, in that the social order was completely upended. It was a backlash against the sexual restrictions of the Christian church, both Catholic and Protestant. Other than the abolition of clerical celibacy, Protestantism largely continued the aversion to sex that characterized medieval Catholicism. The liberalizing attitudes of the Anabaptists (i.e. free love) were were crushed along with the Anabaptists themselves. The Pietists of the 18th century ignored Luther’s progressive legacy by discounting any compatibility between holiness and sexual pleasure. (John Wesley’s sad sexual life typified Pietistic attitudes.) Actually, Catholic cultures were less sexually repressed than Protestant ones. Prostitution has historically been tolerated in Catholic countries, as opposed to Protestant lands that outlaw the practice. Extramarital sex is also more accepted in cultures marked by Catholicism. (Lawrence attributes this to Catholicism’s hierarchical structure. Sexual probity was the special concern of clergy and religious. Protestantism’s “priesthood of all believers” imposed a uniform standard of conduct.) Sexual repression reached its apex in the Victorian era, when sexual desire was divorced from marital affection. (Not susrprisingly, prostitution flourished.) Convinced that a whole-grain diet could tame the sexual impulse, Rev. Sylvester Graham invented a cracker to depress carnal cravings.

There were exceptions. The Oneida Community in upstate New York in the mid-19th century practiced “complex marriage,” a form of free love. Everyone in the community was considered to be married to everyone else. Mormonism in its infancy famously practiced polygamy. But they were anomalies. “From Luther to 1950, nothing much changed.”

The Sexual Revolution changed everything, tearing asunder the bond between sex and heterosexual monogamy.  The forces behind the Sexual Revolution were varied and complex. Alfred Kinsey’s work played a role, as most certainly did the advent of “the pill.” (Lawrence goes so far as to assert that “the sex life of civil rights leader Martin Luther King helped push the sexual freedom movement forward.”) The churches? Not so much. “The leaders of the various Protestant churches had to be dragged, for the most part, kicking and screaming into the Sexual Revolution.” Unlike Catholicism’s hierarchical system, Protestantism’s more democratic structures had to account for the sweeping changes in attitudes and behaviors. Catholic dissent has tended to be suppressed by the Vatican. A French Dominican priest named Jacques Pohier was one such dissenter. “An increasing number of priests and religious of both sexes no longer feel that to abstain from all affective and sexual life, or repress it, is a privileged means of achieving the goal,” Pohier said regarding the backlash against the discipline of celibacy. He advocated for sex education that promoted the pleasures of sex. He accused the Church of stealing sexual pleasure from the faithful. He even proposed that open marriage was not incompatible for believers. This was too much for the Vatican. Pohier was the first theologian disciplined by Pope John Paul II.

Among Protestants, special note should be made of the “clinical pastoral movement,” which began in the 1920’s, which dramatically altered how religious leadership was trained. The good of the person, as opposed to doctrine, was emphasized. It took into account the insights of psychology, especially Freud. Practically, this meant more tolerance for forms of sexual behavior previously deemed aberrant. Anton Boisen’s contributions to this movement deserve particular attention. Lawrence warns that the achievements advanced by the clinical pastoral movement in the realm of sexuality need to be formalized, otherwise “Protestantism will remain in danger of reverting, if only by implication, to the safe harbor of sex-phobic medieval teaching.”

Theology in the Bedroom

Can sex be a source for theological reflection? Not the phenomenon of “sexuality,” understood in its broadest sense, but actual sexual experience?

The Wesleyan Quadrilateral is a methodology that recognizes four sources for theological reflection: scripture, tradition, reason, and experience. Pastoral theological reflection treats lived human experience as the key source. Any authentic examination of human experience cannot exclude sexual experience. Nor does our subjectivity, our capacity for religious experience, cease when we take our clothes off.

Sex doesn’t easily lend itself to discursive analysis. “There is something about sexual passion that language cannot comprehend or represent and at best there is no reason to try…,” writes Sara Maitland. Any understanding of sex starts with having sex. And sex itself is a form of knowing. (The Hebrew understanding of the term is quite illuminating.) A female Unitarian Universalist seminarian — who brags, “I love God and I love fucking” — engages in casual sex as a way to widen her perspective: “God is important to me and I believe that if I wish to know God, I need to really know myself and know other people in a variety of contexts…. Each partner is a new perspective, a new approach to connection….” Encountering another person sexually allows access to a dimension of personally that’s undisclosed in a non-sexual context. Embodiment also means that we encounter in the flesh the creative force she calls God. Even casual sex, suggests Rowan Williams, provides access to “the body’s grace.” This grace extends beyond the boundaries of heterosexual monogamy, according to some theologians. Promiscuity provides an opportunity to extend and enjoy, in Nancy Wilson’s words, “bodily hospitality.” Some queer theologians in particular have identified sex as an inherently religious experience which illuminates the mystery of God. Patrick Cheng describes the trinity as an orgy.  Agape can be understood through eros. Sex, “the smell of our bodies when making love, our fluids and excretions, the hardening of muscles and the erectness of nipples,” in Marcella Althaus-Reed’s words, is a privileged mode of experience.

“Integration of sexuality and spirituality may call for some experimentation,” Daniel Helminiak says, “and along the way one may make some mistakes.” Has my personal sexual experimentation given me insight I would not have attained otherwise? Through the sweat and the groans and the guilt, has my erotic education been, in Tillich’s words, a “way of opening up new human possibilities?” It’s intriguing to consider that my theological formation includes the bedroom as well as the classroom.

“Theology is just like sex, the art of penetrating the mystery.”

Leon Bertoletti

No Strings Attached

I’m considering putting some effort into finding a fuck buddy. Strictly speaking, I haven’t had one before. Rhonda was sort of a “friend with lots of benefits.” The brief arrangement with the Deaconess became complicated when she developed “feelings” for me. I’ve hooked up, but never established an ongoing arrangement with a woman for casual sex.

The allure of a fuck buddy is that it’s a purely physical relationship. A “friend with benefits” describes a relationship, albeit non-romantic, with a sexual component. With a fuck buddy, all pretense to anything deeper is discarded. It’s only about sex, which both parties explicitly acknowledge. Unabashed carnal pleasure unfettered by emotional commitment appeals to me. I don’t want “feelings” to intrude. I want to keep romance out of it. I don’t want to fall in love. To be blunt, I’m looking for physical satisfaction and nothing more.

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Having a regular partner for sex would give my hyperactive libido another outlet. (Twice a week would be ideal.) Ideally, we’d meet, exchange pleasantries, fuck and say goodbye. We’d expect sex from each other and nothing more. Coffee date? Watching a movie together? No, thank you. Our arrangement would be completely compartmentalized from the rest of our lives.

Despite my preternatural shyness, I’m considering experimenting with some “casual dating” apps. Landing a sex partner with the swipe of a finger is appealing. I also have my eye on “Amy.” She’s an attractive classmate seeking ordination in my denomination. Our theologies and personalities clash, but I get the feeling that she’s a minx in the bedroom. Broaching the subject with her would be awkward, though. Perhaps at a party after she’s had one too many. Perhaps she’s also on Tinder?

Dark Ages

The Dark Ages were especially dark for sex, according to Raymond J. Lawrence in Sexual Liberation: The Scandal of Christendom. Pope Gregory the Great’s (reigned 590-604) vision of sexuality was even more austere than Augustine’s. A protégé of Benedict of Nursia, he condemned the pursuit of sexual pleasure even within the bounds of marriage (“…the pleasure itself can by no means be without sin”). Sex outside marriage warranted eternal damnation. Clergy in the West should be monasticized, he maintained, although it took until the Gregorian Reform of the 11th century for celibacy to be canonically imposed. The Venerable Bede agreed with Gregory that pleasure accompanying procreation was sinful. He maintained that persons should refrain from entering a church until having washed and waited a certain interval of time since intercourse. The “Penitentials,” manuals used for assigning penances during confession, were filled with sexual proscriptions. Sex was intended only for procreation. Even various sexual positions, such as retroposition (man behind woman) and the dorsal position (woman on top), were condemned.

“The Monk Sleeps with the Wife While the Husband is Praying,” by Unknown

In comparison, Muslim scholars were relatively liberated about sex as opposed to their Christian counterparts. By the second millennium, “the claim that the best people have the least amount of sexual pleasure, was fixed and remained dominant even into modern times, in both Catholic and Protestant cultures.” The Cathars took this obsession with sexual purity to extremes, forbidding intercourse even among married couples. (They denigrated the lax medieval church as ecclesia carnalis, “the church of the flesh.”) Crushed by church authorities, they bequeathed a legacy of spiritual otherworldliness and the notion of romantic love untainted by sexual desire (including the rituals surrounding weddings that persist to this day). The medieval mindset persisted to the time of the Reformation. Thomas More’s hairshirt, worn to quell the concupiscence of the flesh, is a fitting metaphor for the epoch.

Animal

“He felt he had touched the most savage state of his nature. . . . How poets and all the others tell lies! They make you believe that they need sentiment, whereas the thing which they need more is that acute, destructive, tremendous sensuality . . . sensuality without phrases, pure, burning sensuality.”

D.H. Lawrence

“You’re reserved, but you’re passionate,” Stephanie told me as she drew her naked body close to mine.

Words others have frequently used to describe me are “quiet,” “reserved,” “reticent.” I don’t easily express emotions. I can come across as aloof.

It is only in the realm of sex where my passions are unfettered.

The raw physicality of sex entices me. All my senses are engaged. My general discomfort with physical contact with others disappears during sex. During sex I’m unconstrained, unbridled, enthusiastic. There is no more physical act than entering a woman’s body.

Rhonda remarked that I intellectualize the world around me. I’m decidedly left-brained. I usually live in my head. My commitment to rationality is swept away by sexual passion, an act that by its very nature obliterates reason. To be carnal is to be of the flesh, that is, in the body. Alan Goldman writes, “Sexual desire lets us know that we are physical beings, and, indeed, animals.” Is my deepest, most hidden yet truest self revealed in the sexual act?

D.H. Lawrence thought sex “is our deepest form of consciousness…. It is pure blood-consciousness.” By “blood-consciousness” Lawrence means pre-reflective, pre-cognitive, subconsciousness. “The ecstasy of copulation,” in Schopenhauer’s words, causes us to evacuate self-consciousness. The Greek word ekstasis means literally “standing outside oneself.” Only to the extent that the intellect can be disengaged is ecstasy possible. Perhaps the most distinguishing mark of homo sapiens is the capacity for reason, for conscious thought. This capacity disappears in sexual ecstasy. One’s sense of individuality is attenuated as two physical bodies merge together. Instinct, not reason, controls the body. Bestial noises are made by the participants. In sex we surrender our intellect and self-consciousness and open ourselves to our primal self—so that we become animals.

I live from what Lawrence called the “upper centres,” the level of self-conscious thought. Most of the time I’m wary of passion and slightly embarrassed by bodily functions. I try to defy the primal self. Is this, however, all simply an false denial of my primal self? Sex is a refuge from tyranny of the intellect. Lawrence argued that in sex we are most true to who we really are. “Sex is our deepest form of consciousness.”

“My religion is belief in the blood and the flesh, which are wiser than the intellect.”

D.H. Lawrence

Benedictine monk Sebastian Moore said that we must acknowledge that even our animalistic desires are God-given.


During one of our earliest encounters, Stephanie speculated that my reserve concealed something more primal. “There must be an animal in there somewhere,” she said with an impish smile.

Then Stephanie said in her irresistibly sweet girlish voice, “Sometimes a girl just wants to get fucked.”

Animal lust soon consumed us. We yielded to sexual abandon. Stephanie got on her hands and knees. I knelt behind her, marveling at her round buttocks and arching back. I wrapped my hands firmly around her waist, squeezed her soft flesh and entered her from behind. Soon I was feverishly thrusting into her. Fucking doggie style, in the manner of animals, we abandoned any pretense to dignity. Both of us emitted the most primitive, inarticulate sounds. I grabbed a handful of her hair and pulled her back onto me as I thrust, fucking her even more intensely. The Wild Man had taken over, released from the cage of propriety, his masculine primal power on full display.

Later, Stephanie complimented me on unleashing my wild side.

“Good girl”

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I ventured out into the midday heat to visit “Sara” again at her loft in the city. She opened the door in a skimpy lavender nightie and high heels, welcomed me in and fetched me a glass of ice water. As per usual, we had a conversation that lasted a couple of sentences. I sat on the couch and she hopped on my lap. I thrust my tongue deep into her mouth while I slid the strap of her lingerie down, exposing a breast. She’s around 40, but her body is toned and tight. Sara is rather docile, which made me more aggressive than I usually am.

“Get on your knees,” I whispered in her ear.

Sara obeyed. She unbuckled my belt, unzipped my slacks, and pulled down my underwear. My erection was in her face. I looked down to see her put my penis in her mouth. She lubricated the shaft with her saliva, then slid her hand up and down it while her mouth worked on the head. Having a woman on her knees servicing me gives me an incredible sense of my masculinity.

“Good girl,” I whispered.

I usually don’t come during oral, but Sara permits CIM. She’s a talented cocksucker, but I held out as long as I can. I enjoyed having her on her knees. I grabbed a handful of her blonde hair and gently fucked her face. I felt my balls tighten. It was time. With a loud grunt, I shot a load into her mouth. She rose and went to the bathroom sink to spit and rinse.

It didn’t take me long to recover. I started on top of her. Rolling her on top of me, she rode me for a while. She ended up on her hands and knees. I grabbed her hair and fucked her rough and deep. Nothing tender about it. It was liberating being so unabashedly physical. No pretensions of intimacy. I fucked her like the whore she is.

After it was done, I lay exhausted on the bed. Music from her radio played in the background. I almost drifted off to sleep.

“It’s relaxing,” she said, some of the few words she uttered.

I dressed and prepared to leave.

“You’re sweet,” she told me as I said goodbye.

Ecce Unde

Constantine’s cooptation of Christianity marked a turning point in the church’s view of sex, a definitive rejection of a Semitic appreciation for sexuality. Raymond J. Lawrence, Jr. makes this claim in Sexual Liberation: The Scandal of Christendom. Uniformity in belief and practice was imposed. Proponents of a more liberated perspective, such as Theodore of Mopsuestia, were condemned as heretics and silenced after the Council of Nicea in 325.

Before Constantine, the sin of idolatry–in particular offering sacrifice to the imperial cult–was the primary concern of Christian morality. After Constantine, Christian morality became obsessed with sexual purity. Lawrence attributes this to the Stoicism and Neoplatonism, which viewed sexual pleasure with suspicion, that dominated Roman thought at the time.

Two figures that stand out in the post-Constantinian church were Jerome and Augustine. Lawrence writes, “Among all the great personages of early Christendom few exerted as much influence and none is more fascinatingly kinky than Jerome.” Jerome believed sex was intrinsically impure; the only good to come out of marital intercourse was the birth of virgins. (He disapproved of baths for virgins lest they kindle lust in the bather.) Virginity and sexual abstinence were the hallmarks of Christian life. He condemned Clement of Alexandria for espousing the notion that Paul was married. “His dark, sex-phobic shadow casts itself across the church right into the present generation,” Lawrence concludes.

Augustine led a sexually licentious life during his youth. After his conversion to the “Catholic” faction, he became an obsessive celibate. His formulation of the doctrine of original sin, in which the human will is ineluctably tainted by dark impulses, can be interpreted as a psychological reaction to his former life. Original sin, as Augustine understood it, was inextricably linked to sex. “Ecce unde,” he wrote. “There it is.” The libido’s inability to be mastered by the will made it demonic. Arguably this derived from his philosophical training than biblical reflection. As Peter Brown wrote, “The loving cleaving of Israel to God would never be reenacted in the marriage beds of Western Christendom, only the sad shadow of Adam’s estrangement from the will of God.”

The Black Curtain

Nobody knows I do this. Nobody knows.

It can be both thrilling and exhausting living a double life.

There is an incredible sense of freedom. One decides that the rules and strictures that others have to abide by don’t apply to oneself, liberating oneself from social conventions. There’s a certain feeling of power in keeping secrets. The need to keep my transgressions hidden forces me to control other people’s perceptions of me. I have a secret life they’re completely unaware of. As one escort put it, “I get off on being in public an hour after an appointment and nobody having a clue about what I was just doing.” The excitement derived from the risks I take (especially considering I’m remarkably risk-averse elsewhere in my life) can’t be discounted. To do something dangerous and get away with it, to transgress and then return to “normal” life unscathed, with no one any the wiser, can be exhilarating.

But there’s a cost. I’ve developed a split personality, the formation of an alternate self and the inner conflict attendant with that. Tammy’s invocation of Jekyll and Hyde was apt. I lead the ultimate Jekyll and Hyde existence: the good Christian on the one hand, the sexual adventurer on the other. There’s the pubic persona and the private behavior. There’s the one who is morally upstanding in front of family, friends, parishioners, associates; then there’s the one consumed by lust. No one really knows me. I have been keeping up the façade for so long that I’ve been able to compartmentalize my sin. I inhabit a contradiction. It’s impossible to lead a life of integrity; my character is opaque. Even my double life has a double life. When I was cavorting with Rhonda, she was unaware that I was also visiting call girls. Secrecy and duplicity are inescapable. I’ve had to develop increasingly labyrinthine lies to obscure my behavior. The pressure to keep up pretenses and appearances is exhausting. My behavior induces shame. I’ve been living dual lives.

Dr. Beth Wish describes the mindset of one living a double life: “‘Oh my god, I’m doing this in the dark furtively. I have a part of my behavior that is closed. The black curtain has been drawn on how other people see me and how I present myself to others.’”

“When you’re an escort, you constantly have to lie,” Stephanie once complained to me. Yet I suspect that’s exactly what she finds so exciting about her lifestyle. Leading a double life, with all its stresses and contradictions, can be an adrenaline rush. (Or as she once said, “It’s walking a tightrope, but it’s a blast!”) Stephanie told me that when she was younger she seriously thought about working for the CIA, so something about leading a double life obviously entices her. I imagine her clients at her “straight job” in real estate would be shocked if they discovered that this sweet young lady worked as an escort.

The stakes are high for me. If my other self were discovered, I would most likely lose my position at my church and any future in ministry would be foreclosed to me. Having to face family and friends in light of any personal revelations would be humiliating. In short, my entire world would be upended. Yet I can’t surrender these parallel lives.