It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
Voltaire, Notebooks
During my senior year of college, the thought first entered my mind of visiting a call girl. At first I brushed it aside, thinking that I could never go through with it. But the urge to do so kept reappearing. One Saturday night I was by myself in my apartment, depressed and lonely. And really horny. I decided to go through with it. I checked into a hotel room and called an escort service.
The lady on the phone recommended a strawberry blonde “with porcelain skin” in her 20’s. While I waited for her to arrive, simultaneously excited and petrified, I opened the nightstand drawer and reached for the Gideon’s Bible. Seriously. I was skimming through the Bible as I prepared to lose my virginity to a prostitute. After what felt like an eternity, I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and saw an attractive young woman. She had a very pretty smile. As I greeted her, I remember thinking in my mind, I’m going to have sex with her in a few minutes. After some pleasantries, we sat down next to each other on a couch. She was dressed nicely and professionally, as if she was on her way to a job in a bank. She must have sensed I was terrified, so she started a conversation that put me a little more at ease. (Needless to say, she did most of the talking.) She told me about her life. I still, years later, remember and appreciate her friendliness and kindness.
After about 10 or 15 minutes, she leaned in close to me and asked what I wanted to do. I stammered and mumbled some evasive reply. She said, ‘You can ask me anything.’ I leaned over to whisper in her ear and blurted out, “I want to have sex with you.” I leaned in to kiss her, but she slid back and gently told me, “I don’t kiss.” She sensed my dismay and, smiling, reassured me, “I’m a very sexual person. We’ll have fun.”
Soon I was fumblingly attempting to undress her. At some point I confessed, “I’ve never really done this before.” After we undressed and got on the bed, she started caressing me and nibbling on my ear. “You’re a cute thing,” she said. As I was lying on my back, she placed her body on top of mine and…
I ejaculated on her leg.
I was mortified. She told me, “It’s okay,” and went to the bathroom to clean herself. Once she returned to the bed, we talked for a while. It didn’t take me long to get aroused again, and I started to explore her body. I spent time rubbing and kissing her breasts. She laid me on my back, moved her head over my crotch and started to give me a blowjob. I watched with fascination as her mouth slid up-and-down the shaft of my penis. After going down on me for a few minutes, she asked, “What do you want to do now?”
“Let’s fuck.”
She put a condom on me, lay on her back, and guided me inside her. I don’t remember much about the physical act itself, only the thought in my head, I’m finally inside a woman.
I climaxed and she cleaned me up with a washcloth. We then both sat on the edge of the bed. Instead of being relieved at losing my virginity, I started to feel very depressed. She noticed me looking forlorn and tried to cheer me up. “Don’t look so sad.” She smiled at me, gave me a kiss on my cheek and said, “You’re a really nice guy.” She dressed and I accompanied her toward the door. As she exited, she smiled again and wished me good night.
I spent the next couple of days in bed, paralyzed by guilt. Despite the positive qualities of the escort I hired, the encounter left me feeling empty and sad. I had violated my moral beliefs. For a few days, I felt ashamed to face my female friends and classmates.
But it wasn’t enough to stop me from doing it again.
Lutheran Guilt 